


The Choices That Make Us

by MacedonianMuse



Series: A World Full of Sins [1]
Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Biotic Bugs!, Blood and Injury, Cause You Know Kaidan Would Befriend One, Custom Shepard (Mass Effect), Developing Relationship, Dreams and Nightmares, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Eventual Sex, F/M, Falling In Love, Forbidden Love, Friendship/Love, NSFW, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Sexual Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Shepard Copes Badly, Survivor Guilt, Tags May Change, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-27
Updated: 2018-05-10
Packaged: 2019-04-21 19:33:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 15,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14291898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MacedonianMuse/pseuds/MacedonianMuse
Summary: Following her older Brother, Sinara joins the Alliance, graduates head of her class and celebrates on Elysium with her friends. She has to watch as one by one as they die, leaving her alone to defend the colonists until help arrives. Earning an opening to become an N7 for her skill and bravery, she becomes the youngest person to complete the N7 training, earning her yet another medal and honor. No one is surprised that she was chosen to be Earth's 1st Spectre, but as she proves herself again and again, she feels more pain gnawing away at an already broken soul.Kaidan has known her for years, thanks to her Brother attending BAaT with him, but then she was simply Sinon's little Sister. Now she was his Commanding Officer and a woman he can feel his heart yearning for and he wants to help her any way he can but knows that when Sinon asked him to watch over her, he meant as a Brother, not a lover. Kaidan knows he is on a dangerous path, but can't stop his heart for yearning for her.As they head to Virmire, everything changes, as they find the proof they need on the Reapers and hints at something sinister that will change Sinara's and Kaidan's world forever.*Some unique art in the story now added too*





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Timeline for the story:  
> 2151 Sinon Shepard is born  
> 2158 Sinara Shepard is born  
> 2165 Eric and Hannah Shepard divorce. Eric has custody over Sin and Sinara stays with her Mother  
> 2168 Sinon spends several months at BAaT and befriends Kaidan Alenko. He leaves a month before Kaidan kills Vyrnnus  
> 2172 Sinon enlists in the Alliance  
> 2175 Sinon is awarded a medal for saving a group of children from Batarian slavers  
> 2176 Sinara enlists and graduates at the head of her class. After graduation, she and her closest friends celebrate on Elysium and are there at the beginning of the Skillian Blitz. She watches as her friends die trying to aid the colonist and at the end, she is left defending them on her own. She has scarring over 50% of her body including her face.  
> 2177 Eric Shepard uses his pull to get Sinara into N7 training and she graduates as the youngest N7 ever.  
> 2178 Sinon Shepard leads the raid at Torfan.  
> 2183 Sinara leads the ground team on Eden Prime and becomes the 1st Human Spectre  
> 2183 Sinon leads a black ops team undercover with a Turian unit in a joint force working undercover as C-sec.  
> Present: Starts with Mass Effect, 4 days prior to Virmire

_She was laughing too hard to drink the shot of whiskey sitting in front of her as Jake stood up and did his impersonation of their drill instructor hitting on Kelly, mocking the man's inability to do anything outside of yelling and screaming. All of them were laughing, especially when Kelly told him if he would yell her name, she might actually take him to bed, much to Jake's embarrassment when she kissed him._

_"Aww, he is  blushing," Dave laughed and lifted his mug, "too the Spacer Brats!" All of their group had been kids born in space to parents serving on ships and that had been the common ground that started their friendship all those months ago at the beginning of basic, "May we forever fly safe and fight hard!"_

_"Here, here," Mike joined in and threw his arm around her shoulder, "and also to our beautiful leader, who shows that beauty, brains, and biotics can make even the grouchiest DI's smile." She blushed as he kissed her cheek. It was shocking to them all that their DI had tears in his eyes when he had called her name, and even more so when he had come to them after graduation and congratulated her on being hand-picked to serve on a ship that was a highly coveted assignment that veteran members fought to try and secure._

_"Mike, you're making her blush," Jake laughed._

_"Ok, you buffoons," she smiled and raised her shot to toast, but before the words could slide over her lips, an explosion shook the bar, knocking the glass out of her hand as the group fell to the floor, "what the hell was that?"_

_In the next few hours, Sinara's world fell apart. She watched as her friends died. First was Mike, the boy she had a crush on, died in her arms, telling her he regretted never telling her he had fallen for her. She watched as Kelly's chest erupted into a violent symphony of reds and white, splattered her clothing with her friends remains. She saw Jake beheaded when a Batarian shot him at point-blank range in the neck. Finally, Dave, he died throwing a child off a mine the child had accidentally stepped on that was thrown into the crowd of people fleeing. She saw it all and as they had rallied the colonist, trying desperately to hold out until the Alliance could get to them, she endured and fought. Rage and pain tore through her heart, agony, and wounds ripped through her body, but somehow she endured._

_The colonist's had gathered in a small shelter, created for such an attack, but when the gates were broken, she took up the breach and with a stockpile of weapons and grenades, she had held the spot until finally, the Alliance came and drove the pirates from Elysium. The fighting had been brutal, the sight, indescribable, and as she sat there letting a medic clean her wounds, she felt someone grasp her shoulder and tell her it was ok to cry, that she was safe and could let it all out now. She blinked her eyes and realized the emotional breakdown many expected was not inside her. No, she was numb, completely without feeling, or at least she was until she saw out the corner of her eye, Mike's body being carried away, and then everything went black._

"Mike," she screamed as she sat up and it took her a few minutes to get her bearings. It was the same dream she had had since that moment her world completely fallen apart. It wasn't like her life hadn't had its fair share of pain in it. Her parents had divorced when she was young and her Father had taken her beloved older Brother with him as he married the woman he had been cheating with. He had tried to get custody of her as well, but her Mother had fought him tooth and nail over it as she had always been closer to her than her Father.

She was still a kid a young kid when her Brother showed signs of the newly documented biotics in humans and was angry when she found that he had been sent away to something called the Biotic Acclimation and Temperance Training program or simply BAaT. She had heard her Mother yelling on the comm one night about her displeasure over Sinon being sent there without even consulting her about it. It was only a month later that she and her Mother had taken leave to visit him and Sinara was horrified at the sight of her Brother. He was too thin and you could tell he had been in a fight with the bruising around his eye, but worse had been the empty stare that now settled in his eyes that left her heart aching. As her Mother went to speak to someone about the poor condition her Brother was in, she stayed with him and met the other kids there too, among them was her now Lieutenant, Kaidan Alenko. 

Getting out of bed, Sinara walked to the small chest her clothing was in and pulled out her fuzzy robe and then headed for the com room. Her Brother was in the Alliance and working undercover in C-sec, but he would be off work by now as she knew her Brother usually gamed a bit before heading to bed and would be awake for her call. Being raised separately had little effect on their relationship. People often remarked they acted like twins, with the close, somewhat instinctual bond they shared and indeed they did have a knack for knowing when the other was hurting and in need. So it was no surprise to her when he answered right away and asked what was wrong. Smiling to herself, she told him she had another rough dream.

After several minutes, Sinon told her she really should talk to someone on board, someone face to face that could be a friend when she needed and suggested maybe the Doctor might be a good choice. However when Sinara said no, he remembered that Kaidan was on board and a close friend of his she already knew. He had been one of the boys with Sinon at BTaT and like her, he was a bit empathic. A lot of Biotics were sensitive and some to the point where they were considered empaths as emotions could make a serious impact a person's biotic abilities. Kaidan, Sinon had found during their indentured service (as he often referred to it as) was extremely empathic and had a knack for soothing those going through emotionally rough spots.

"He's a Brother to me, he would listen, I know it, not to mention he has known you since we were kids. I know you haven't spent much time around him, but I have and know he would be willing to listen if you just need a friend to talk to. Plus he went through some messed up shit in brain camp Sis and while I dunno all the details, he was part of why it was ended too after I left there. So believe me, he knows about stress and how bad shit can happen to even the best people," he paused for a moment and added "look, I know everyone thinks you're some kind of superhero, God knows you certainly seem like it sometimes, but you're young and seen a lot of shit. Nobody is going to fault you for reaching out for some emotional support you know. Super soldier or not, you are still human Sis. I know it's a lot of pressure, hell you have more awards that Mom, Dad and I put together, but you are human and going through the shit you have, well yeah, I don't see anyone else doing it, so don't let others keep you from finding someone to vent to now and then."

"When did you get so wise?" she asked her Brother.

"About the same time I got so devilishly handsome," he chuckled, "and seriously, I know there is a whole ship full of people you could talk and I am sure you can find someone, but if not, Kaidan at least knows you."

"I dunno, he seldom speaks to me, I don't think he really likes me much," she laughed, "Maybe Ms. Frankenstein scares him."

"Hey now, stop that. I got friggin scars from a Hanar and Turian fighting in the Den, you have them from saving a bloody colony single-handed. I mean, my story sounds like a bad joke, like, what happens when a Hanar and a Turian get drunk in a bar and a C-sec Officer is sent to break it up?" He laughed and she could help but join him. This was what she loved about her Brother, he always could make her laugh.

"He gets fondled by the Hanar and the Turian jumps him in a fit of jealousy?"

"Hey, that is not cool Sis, so not cool."

"Goodnight dork and I love you."

"Night little Sister and think about what I said. You told me once everyone needed someone to turn too and that includes big shot hero's like you too," he chuckled when she groaned and added impishly, "you know I will keep pestering you about it too," and terminated the call.

She shook her head as she headed back to her quarters. Sinon, or Sin as he now went by, was the one person who could always make her smile no matter what and to have him so far away from her was hard. She had tried to get him on the Normandy, but working undercover in a joint task force between the Turians and Alliance using C-Sec as a cover was too important the Brass told her.

"As if hunting Saren and his desire to see the galaxy snuffed out by giant pissy machines isn't," she muttered under her breath. But, she figured with the fact that Saren was a Turian and he had attacked a human colony, Turian Human relations was rather important, more so than ever before, but she still wished he was here with her.

Laying back down in bed, she thought more on Kaidan Alenko. She had known him since she was only ten. That was when he Brother was sent to BAaT. He seemed like a good guy and while she hadn't served with him very long, she knew the talk around the ship was that he was wholesome to the point of annoyingly so in some people's view. Dr. Chakwas had told her about him being an L2 and thankfully the worse he suffered from were headaches, but still, it said a lot about him to accomplish as much as he had and continue to serve the Alliance. Her Brother had been an L2 as well but had the upgrade not long ago due to headaches causing blindness and thankfully was doing fine now. It made her wonder why Kaidan hadn't done so as well, but if the headaches were controllable and he was able to stay in peak condition, then maybe it was better not to go through the process of replacing it as it was still dangerous to have the surgery. Her Brother had he not had his L2 removed would have been completely blind within the year, maybe even sooner and opted to take the risk.

Thankfully, she was an L3 and while many L3 were not as powerful as the L2's, Sinara's abilities were impressive. As a Vanguard, she blurred the lines between a heavy hitter and biotic menace on the battlefield. It was the one place she felt at home and completely free to be true to who she was inside. The nightmare she faced as a teen on the one ship her Mother served on, the evil she could never hide from, all of it was gone in a fight and all she had was the battle, no whispers of doubts, no feelings, no nothing, just the pure instinct to survive.

She rolled over and looked at the pillow next to her. She wondered if the dreams would be so bad if she had someone to share her nights with. Not that she just wanted to get laid, she just wanted someone, someone to care, someone to listen and most of all someone to hold her when the nightmares were too much and the guilt ate away at her. She scoffed at her own thoughts and rolled back over. She was a Commander of a ship and fraternization was against regs and there was no way in Hell she was giving up ship life to be stuck in one place. She ran her hands over her face and laughed again, this is what her mind was keeping her awake over? Dear God, what was wrong with her?

It was then her mind ran with that thought and she thought again about Kaidan. When she was around fifteen, she had spent a summer with her Brother and got to see Kaidan quite a bit. He and Sin were close friends and it was then when she had developed a crush on him, but not soon after that he got transferred and she hadn't seen him for some time. She never thought much more about him until she was picked to be Captain Anderson's XO and found him on board as well. She thought he was still very handsome and his lips certainly looked like they would be nice to kiss, however, what she loved the most was his eyes, they were a deep warm brown and looked like they had splashes of gold in them. They were expressive and on the few times they spoke, full of compassion as well. Which had been one of the first things she noticed about him that summer when she stayed with Sin.

 "Good God, what am I thinking?" she laughed at herself. Kaidan was her Brother's best friend and was more likely to see her as a little Sister, well that is if he ever looked at her at all, "Go to sleep," she told herself, tomorrow they planned for Virmire and she needed her head on straight. It was Sinara the legend people followed anyway, not Sinara the scared girl who doubted every step she took.


	2. Chapter 2

Sinara had spent the day discussing matters with Joker and giving him the OK to head to Virmire and then with her team on what little was known about the Salarians, which, in reality, was next to nothing. After dismissing everyone, she headed down to her quarters to relax and grab the jar she kept her powder for the juice she drank daily.  Biotics needed extra calories and were given higher calorie rations as well as a juice mixture to help replenish them after a battle or any other time they were feeling weak. Sinara found that after waking up, she was a bit unsteady and normally drank a small bottle then and often once or twice during her daily routine as needed.

After finishing up her juice, she decided to head down to the cargo bay and see what was new in requisitions. They were making a drop-off at Pinnacle Station prior to going to Virmire and she wanted to look and see what extra's were included. Ahern always got a few bonus boxes of items and after she became the highest score ranking competitor at the facility, he told her she was welcome to look in any of his 'special' shipments for items that she might find useful in her mission. Ahern reminded her of her Father, well prior to her Father leaving her Mother, and she enjoyed each time they got to speak. He loved telling her stories about his days back during the First Contact War and offering any advice he thought might help. While most people thought he was standoffish and a hardass, she found him endearing in his own way. Plus the man had lived through about any battle scenario a person could imagine and any advice from someone like that could help her now. Saren was a master of manipulation and his tactics proved to be hard to counter, so anyone who might give her an edge, she would take it.

When she got off the elevator, she found Kaidan and Ash close together chatting as Ash was showing something on a datapad and found herself slightly jealous. Her human crew seemed to keep her at arm's length and seldom joked or laughed with her. The Krogan, Wrex, was always open with her to the point of speaking his mind whether she wanted to hear it or not and Garrus? Well, the Turian certainly was interesting. He was a hothead, but at the same time was willing to do anything she asked if it brought Saren to justice and that unwavering dedication went a long way with her. She also spent time chatting with the little Quarian Tali and learned much about her people in the process. Tali was young like her and they had found common ground when speaking about the Quarian's Father. She had told her that after the events of Elysium, her Father had used his connections to push her into the N7 program and then assigned to one challenge after other to show the world that Eric Shepard's daughter was better than anyone else. She had laughed and told Tali that the reality was that everything she was now was from the influence and example her Mother set for her growing up and had nothing to do with her Father's at all.

Deep in her thoughts, she didn't notice when Ash called out her name until she felt someone's hand touch her shoulder. Instinct's kicked in and she grabbed it and flipped around ready to do throw a biotic punch before realizing she was looking face to face with Kaidan.

"Note to all crewmen, don't sneak up on the Commander," he smiled and laughed when he saw the blush creep up her cheeks, "didn't mean to startle you, Ma'am."

"No, uh, no worries, was just thinking and um, so what's up?" she was trying to gain her composure, but with him so close she could actually smell him and whatever cologne he was wearing smelled great, plus his eyes had such a soft affectionate look in them, it actually made her heart clench.

"Nothing much, Ash was showing me some jokes about Biotic's and let's say our humor is a bit different," he laughed and then added with a smirk, "and highly inappropriate."

"Ah yes, biotics in bed right? Ugh, you have no idea how many women my Brother has used that with," She chuckled at the look on his face, "what you never did that? Come on, no wooing a girl with promises of biotic thrills?"

"No, I mean I don't, um, I am not like that, I mean with women and-? No Sinara, I mean, Shepard, uh no, Ma'am," Kaidan blushed and stammered some more.

"Kaidan, it was a joke," she smiled at his blush and thought again about the fact he had was so very handsome, yet blushing gave him a boyish charm that looked so wonderful on him. She couldn't stop the quick glance of his full form and wondered if the Alliance didn't have a sadistic humor when it came to designing their uniforms. On ships, there were strict rules about fraternization, yet what does the Alliance do? They dress them in tight uniforms that seemed to show off a man's body to perfection, or at least Kaidan's.

Turning away from him before he caught on she was ogling his body, she walked over to Ash and asked what she wanted. It was then Ash got a ping that she had a new message from her Sister and Sinara told her to go ahead and take it since it could be important. Sinara snickered at the message as her Sister ended it with saying they had seen Kaidan on a vid and thought he was very cute.

"Dear God, tell me you didn't hear that?" Ash shook her head and chuckled, at all times she thought, her Sister had to say something like that with the Commander standing right next to her.

"So, you crushing on the Lieutenant?" Sinara laughed, especially given her earlier thoughts.

"No Ma'am, besides scuttlebutt says he is already sweet on someone," she grinned as Kaidan had rejoined them and was now crimsoned faced with her words.

"Ah yes, Liara. Why do men always lust over Asari?" she muttered, "But I guess with regs and all, she is the only one the guys on board can look at."

"If you say so, Ma'am."

 Sinara turned and saw Kaidan looking away from her and a bit sheepish too and snorted, that was all she needed to confirm what she said. Kaidan, like every other man on this ship, was lusting over the Asari. Giving an irritating huff of her own, she pushed past him and headed to the lift. She still wanted to look in Ahern's shipments, but right now she needed to be alone and get a grip on her childish thoughts.

 Entering her cabin, she turned and looked at the mirror hanging by her desk. Her face was covered in vicious scars from Elysium and under her uniform there were many more. Her once raven black hair had been a thing of pride for her, but now the scarring had damaged one strip on the right side of her face into a silvery white that made the scars even more noticeable. Over the years she had seen how men had treated her and the few who did make a pass at her she later found either were trying to 'nail' the hero of Elysium, had lost a bet or get a foot in the door to impressing her Father who was on the board to determine who would be invited into the N7 program. Over the years she had heard on various ships the rude comments about her being Frankenstein but the worse? Those who said it was a shame that such a pretty girl had her looks ruined. The one that finally broke her was the man she dated for a little over two months had told her. They had finally made it to her quarters and as she undressed, he told her to stop and said he was sorry, but he just couldn't be intimate with her. He had tried to not let it be an issue, but even if they proceeded with the lights out, he now knew what she looked like and there was no way he could pretend he didn't. That had stopped her from even trying and made her focus on her career. She may be frightening to look at as a mate, but the military could care less about her looks and as she pushed herself harder and beyond most soldiers and was rewarded for it.

Why did she do this to herself? She allowed a weak moment to think about someone she shouldn't have and it led to her feelings being hurt yet again. Sin might tell her otherwise and even her Mother as well, but the reality was, no one wanted to be with a woman who looked like she did. She felt tears gathering in her eyes and angrily brushed them away, "Stupid, stupid, stupid," she told herself over and over as she tried to stop the tears. Kaidan was her Brother's best friend and even if he didn't find her as hideous as she really was, he would never look at her as anything more than Sin's little Sister.

She heard the ping of someone at her door and tried to dry her eyes. The last thing she needed was for the crew to see their leader crying like some teenage girl who didn't get a date on Friday night. Yelling for them to wait, she dried her eyes and answered the door and came face to face with Kaidan.

"Was there something you needed Lieutenant?" she asked in a very irritated voice, hoping it would keep him from noticing her tearstained cheeks.

"Shepard, look I wanted," he started, but when he noticed her eyes and saw they were still watery he asked instead, "are you alright Sinara?" he knew he shouldn't call her by her first name, but didn't care about regulations at that moment.

"I'm fine," she tried to turn her head away from him when he reached for her and turned her face up toward his.

"Please tell me, what's wrong? I can feel the emotional turmoil in you," he told her, hoping she would raise her turquoise eyes to his once more. He had never seen eyes like hers before, they were vivid blue-green with specks of icy green in them that spoke volumes to him. When he first met her, they sparked with anger over the treatment of her Brother and he had no doubt that she would have marched right up to that Turian and told him a piece of her mind had she the chance. He had seen the same passion burn in them the few times he had seen her since and every time he was amazed at the strength they held within their depths. She had faced much in her young life and honestly, he was in awe of her. She had been a kid out of basic during the Blitz and yet saved the colonist, still, a kid when she became the youngest N7 in the history of the Alliance and now the first human Spectre too. Yet, for all that, right now he saw pain and heartache and he felt his heart clench at shimmering emotions within those pools of sea green.

"It's nothing, just a moment of weakness," she barely murmured.

"I know you might think otherwise, but all of us are here for you, I-I am here for you too, you're not just my leader, you're, well, um-." he stumbled over his words. What was he to say? That at some point he stopped seeing her as Sin's feisty little Sister and instead of a beautiful strong woman he would do anything for? Her strength, compassion and her beauty, all of it were so much more than any other woman he had ever met. He had even thought about asking Sin about how to go about asking her out on a real date, show he thought of her in such a way and hope he didn't punch him for such as well. Yet everything changed when he was assigned to the Normandy. Now she was his commanding officer and such feelings had to be put aside, but it was hard, especially in moments like this when it seemed like no one else was even on the ship and that he wanted nothing more than to kiss her. Hell, even if she smacked him afterward it would still be worth it just to kiss her once. She had the perfect kissable mouth, large plump lips that she spent far too often licking that drove him nuts, and to taste them just once? That would be as close to heaven as a man like him could hope to find. "Shepard, Sinara-," his words hung in the air and he slowly leaned closer to her, searching those flashing eyes and then he knew it, at that moment he could finally kiss her, so he decided to hell with regulations and would do just as he pleased.

"Commander, we will be docking with Pinnacle Station in 10 mins," Joker's voice rang out and as such Sinara jumped back away from him.

"It's alright Lieutenant, I am quite capable of taking care of myself and you need not concern yourself with my well being," she walked out of her quarters and as she passed him added, "I would appreciate if you would not mention this to anyone either."

Kaidan watched as she walked away and felt his heart aching in pain, "What am I doing?" he asked himself quietly, but he already knew the answer. He was falling in love with the one woman he could never have.


	3. Chapter 3

Kaidan sat in silence and watched as Sinara walked past a scowling Turian and with a nod of her raven head, laughed before going in to meet Ahern. Like always he was mesmerized by the cool confidence she showed the world. He knew inside she was a turmoil of emotions swirling and bubbling, begging to break free, but to the rest of the world? She was Commander Shepard, hero, Spectre and an unstoppable force. Knowing such made him felt torn inside. On one hand, he was impressed with the control and discipline she had to be exactly what the world needed her to be, but on the other, it pained him that she had to keep all that inside and found no release. It also worried him that should she ever break, reach that boiling point that shattered the shell she had forged, that it may be too much for her. He also realized how easy it was for people to be in awe of her too. She was so young, just 25, yet the world had pitted her against so much and with every trial it threw into her path, she not only endured but succeeded where others would surely have failed.

Lost in his thoughts, he didn't hear the Turian who was saying something about Shepard until he heard him say the word bitch. Anger was instant and he opened his mouth to say something, but before he could he heard her laugh as she told him that it was Ms. Bitch, "And until you can man up and attempt to beat all of my scores Vidinos, you can zip it and pretend that your skill doesn't suck next to a human," she gave him a smirk that made Kaidan's heart beat a bit faster and added impishly, "but don't worry, seeing as I am a Spectre, no one will say anything about you getting beaten by a young girl."

Kaidan couldn't help the smirk on his face as he watched her. Sinara was certainly a force of nature when she wanted to be and right now he wanted nothing more than to grab her and kiss her and show her exactly what she did to him. Of course, that thought brought him back to earlier when they had stood in her quarters and he had almost kissed her. Another ten minutes and he would have finally known what it would be like to hold her.

"Kaidan, are you listening?" He snapped his head around and saw her in front of him with one eyebrow cocked and a smirk on her lips.

"Uh sorry, lost in thought again," he smiled and hoped she didn't ask anything else that could let on that once more he was deep in thought of her.

"If you say so, Ahern got a couple of new amps in and I wanted you to look," she grabbed his hand and pulled him to follow behind her as she spoke, "they are those new Savant X, and you know how much damage we could do with those. Saren may be good at tactics and have a mountain of Geth too, but he has no biotic power at all, or at least from what Garrus and Anderson say, so that may be the key when we finally do face off against him."

Kaidan chuckled at her enthusiasm, as she led him back to Ahern's office where he awaited them with the box of amps.

"So you're the little snot-nosed brat following her around." Ahern greeted Kaidan, "That was some impressive biotic's you were throwing around in the simulator. Could have used you too during the First Contact War son."

"Uh, thank you," Kaidan wasn't sure what to say. Ahern was practically insulting him and then compliment him.

Sinara chuckled, "Don't worry LT, that's just Ahern's way. He means it with the best intentions," she winked at Ahern and smiled when he chuckled.

"That road to hell is paved with good intentions," Ahern pointed out and all three chuckled.

"Which is why God made Marines, Cause who else can walk them and still live through it," she added impishly.

"Child, you are a woman after my own heart," he smiled and for one moment Kaidan thought he saw his wall dropped and realized Ahern loved Sinara like a daughter and truly enjoyed seeing her when he could, "Alright, let's look at these amps, see if we can't get you to bust even more arse than you already are."

After leaving Pinnacle Station, Kaidan found himself dealing with a massive migraine and asked Dr. Chakwas if he could sleep in the medbay. While most of the crew used the sleeper pods, the sealed pods made his headaches worse. Do to such, Dr. Chakwas had offered that he could use the medbay anytime he needed to sleep. He was lucky to have someone as understanding and knowledgeable as Dr. Chakwas for the ship's doctor. He had served with many doctors over the years that treated him as either as a whiny baby who needed to suck it up or as a freak to be feared and held at arm's length. Dr. Chakwas, however, was very well versed in the troubles an L2 like himself might have and would do anything she could to help make the side effects less for him. She had told him the other day she had a friend who worked in R&D in the Biotics division who forwarded her any new data they had to make things easier for an L2 like him. It was just one more thing to show that the Normandy was not only the most advanced warship the Alliance had but that its crew was the best of the best as well.

He had retired for the night and went to hop on the table he normally slept on when he heard someone talking in the back room where Liara worked. While it was loud enough to make noise, he could hear anything being said. However, that all changed when he heard something thrown, followed by shouting. He thought Liara might need help until he realized who the other voice was, and that was Sinara. 

"I don't care about any connection or whatever, you stay out of my thoughts. You are to help with the beacon and everything else is off limits!"

"Shepard," he heard Liara plead, "I can't help not connecting with you and seeing things with you when we join minds, and it, Shepard you have to talk to someone about these dreams, nightmares."

"My dreams are mine and you have no business looking at things I hold private," Sinara was still shouting at this point and Kaidan didn't miss the hitch in her voice that made him think she was probably crying as well.

"Shepard, please, I want to help, I-I care, a lot, I want to help you feel better."

Sinara stormed out of the room and saw Kaidan sitting up and looking at him, she huffed and told him to go comfort his girlfriends' feelings, she needed it.

Kaidan blinked his eyes and felt his jaw go slack. She thought Liara and he was a couple? Good grief, what would even make her think such a thing? When she had mentioned it before, he had thought it been a joke, but never did he think she might be serious.

"Kaidan, you should go talk to her. Sinara is unraveling on the inside and I worried that if she can not hold it together, well, I worry that Saren might win. She is reliving the fall of Elysium and now she sees you, her Brother and others dying as well almost every night and I sense something darker, worse lingering in her mind and it is eating away at her, she has to let it out before she is consumed by it."

"Liara, I don't know if I should pry, I_"

"Kaidan, you are the only one who can help, Sinara is in love with you."


	4. Chapter 4

Kaidan had intended to talk to Sinara, intended to see if Liara's words that had echoed in his heart were true, but Joker's voice had cut through the silence and was asking for Kaidan's assistance. 

"Sometimes I swear the world is conspiring against me, or at least Joker is," he muttered as he jogged up the steps. Two hours later and still not sure what Joker really needed his 'help' with, Kaidan was making his way down to the mess and wondered if he should try to talk to Sinara or not, checking the time against the Citadel, he decided to do the next best thing and speak to Sin. Virmire had been put on hold while the Normandy made it's way back to the Citadel so chances were he might get a minute to run by Sin's apartment. He had told him it was new and off the Silversun Strip, a prime place for someone on the Citadel to live and Kaidan was looking forward to seeing it, as well as Sin. Seeing as Captain Anderson had insisted they meet him in person to talk and if he felt it wasn't safe to speak over the comm, well Sinara would make it a priority, which might leave him enough time to visit Sin.

Kaidan had heard some lower deck gossip wondering why Sinara still acted as if Captain Anderson was still in charge of the ship and he tried to explain that she was a loyal person by nature and felt that Anderson had given up everything in order for her to do this and she would not let him down. When they had rolled their eyes, he asked them what they knew about her and the Blitz. He wasn't surprised they all heard the legend, I mean who in the Alliance hadn't? He also wasn't surprised they knew next to nothing about her watching her closest friends die in front of her, that she watched someone she loved die in her arms, powerless to stop it. While they all hoped in that kind of situation they could do what she did, her actions instilled a loyalty to those around her most never understood, which is why she stayed loyal to the Captian who sacrificed his own advancement so that she could save those who couldn't defend themselves once more.

As he made his way back up to the CIC and comm room, he wondered what would happen if Sinara was faced again with losing someone on the crew? Jenkins had hit them all hard, he had been a fun-loving jokester, but Sinara had wept over his body after they recovered it and it had shown them how hard she took anything she felt had been a failure on her part. After the events of Noveria, the reality was that what they were fighting, death was likely to happen. Kaidan shook his head and cleared his mind, speculating was not doing anyone any good. All he could do was that if they lost anyone else on the crew was to be there for support if she wanted it.

Calling Sin, Kaidan wasn't surprised he answered it immediately, the man seemed to have a knack for instantly being available no matter what time you might call.

"Hey Bro, what's up? Sinara kickin your butt yet?" Kaidan chuckled at Sin's words. When he and Sin had been newly enlisted, Sinara had spent a summer with Sin. She was newly fitted with her implant and while showing off she accidentally punched with biotics which had sent Kaidan flying. Sinara had been worried she hurt him and God knew he had bruises, but they had laughed it off. He had to grin as the memory made him think about that time with Jenkins and he accidentally threw the man across the room. Unlike Jenkins, Kaidan had grimaced and had to be helped to his feet afterward.

"Not yet, but give it time, I am sure at some point she will think I am getting all uppity again and need to drop kick my arse in front of the crew."

"Good, get video, you know I love posting stuff on the extranet," Sin chuckled, as all his friends knew he had a page of shameful videos of not only himself but his friends as well doing things one would think an adult shouldn't try. Of course, Sin was just a big kid at heart and could laugh about his own epic fails, "So what's up? Well besides fighting the psycho Turian who wants to end the world that is." Kaidan had been surprised Sin knew as much as he did, but Sinara had told him that his constant pestering of Anderson had finally worn the man down and he told him everything they knew so far. In the long run, it had made sense, seeing as Sin was undercover in C-Sec and if anything came up that sounded like it was connected to Saren, Sin could pass it on to Anderson. Sin had a natural charm to him and people seemed to tell him details they might not to someone else.

"Um, well there is something," Kaidan wasn't sure how to ask Sin about his Sister, but decided the blunt approach was the best and went with it, "we have an Asari on board and she has been helping Sinara with the beacon, anyway she thinks Sinara is having nightmares and while I try not to pry, this is a rough mission, plus the stress of proving herself for all human's in the council's eyes, the Spectre's, she was worried she might be having problems and-."

"Damn it, I told her to find someone to talk too." he paused, "Look, Kaidan, you know the shit, that went down at Elysium, and well, she has nightmares still, but, I've been worried about something else too." Sin paused and then asked if Kaidan was using a secure connection or not and when he confirmed he was, then he continued, "Remember that guy she found on the Citadel, Zabaleta? Well, supposedly he and Mom were close, real close after Dad left, and well Mindoir messed him up, but there was an altercation and all I know is Sinara was a mess. So, yeah, ever since seeing Zabaleta again, I'm worried, call its Brother intuition, but I think it is really wearing on her."

"Shit," Kaidan swore, he had seen how hard it had been for Sinara to see Zabaleta, she had been really upset over it too, more so then what one would think for just a kid who found someone their Mother had served with. She had made a point of speaking to him where the others couldn't hear before they hugged and he left for the VAO. He also knew that every time they docked at the Citadel she went to see him, "which reminds me, we will be at the Citadel soon, did you know?"

"Yeah, Anderson came to see me and said he wanted me there when you guys chatted, no idea why, but if the Captian wants to see me then I will be there. By the way, you still owe me fifty credits," Sin chuckled. Everyone knew Kaidan was terrible at poker and somehow he kept getting pulled into a game and owed credits because of it.

"You'll get it, when I have it," Kaidan laughed, "I should get going, see you in a few hours Sin."

"Will do and hey, Kaidan," Sin paused, "keep her safe. I know trying to reign her in is like taming a hurricane but try to keep her safe. You're like a Brother to her too and you might be the only person on that boat she might actually listen too."

"I'll try," he muttered, like a Brother to her he thought, great, that's exactly what he wanted to be.

"Hey, try to keep your arse alive too Alenko, you still owe me money," Sin hung up with a laugh, while Kaidan was left shaking his head.

 When they finally arrived at the Citadel, they got a message to meet Anderson at Sin's new apartment and only Sinara and Kaidan were to come. Arriving at their destination, both of them were shocked where he lived. It wasn't far from the popular Silversun Casino and very few people could afford such a luxurious location. How Sin managed to snag it was a mystery.

Opening the door on the first buzz, Sin instantly grabbed Sinara into a huge bear hug and then rubbed his knuckles against her hair, before letting her go and hugging Kaidan too.

"Alliance misfit club is open," he laughed and led them into a large living room where Anderson awaited them.

"Captain," Kaidan and Sinara both said and saluted him too.

"None of that now," he motioned to the couch, "sit please, we have some important business to discuss," he waited until all three were sitting before continuing, "Sin found something a week ago and brought it to me and I looked into it. It seems a Turian name Avian Valerius is hosting a huge party and it is open to all the elite of the Citadel."

"That's not really anything new Captian," Sinara asked, "the upper crust on the station does such quite often."

"Yeah, but," Sin injected, "this Turian happens to have been close friends with Saren and has been known to 'donate' large amounts of money, weapons and such to said former Spectre in the past," he smiled.

"How in the world did you hear about that?" Kaidan asked his friend.

"Because Mr. Valerius it seems had a very lovely female Turian lady who didn't get the spot of honor at his side for said party and instead it was given to a very young and rising Asari star instead. She was in Afterlife in the V.I.P. section drowning her sorrow in far too much alcohol and when she mentioned Saren as her lovers former business partner, I got a bit friendly," he winked at Kaidan while Anderson shook his head, "word to the wise, never sleep with Turian women who are angry, good God the medigel needed from those talons and teeth, holy shit."

"Jesus, Sin, really?" Sinara knew her Brother _enjoyed_ his single life lifestyle, but good lord.

"Hey, if not for her secret fetish for a human male we wouldn't even know about this, so uh thanks to the man who endured," Sin started laughing, "yeah, I can't even keep up the pretend outrage," he winked at her, "but for what it's worth, it was a horrid experience, I mean shit I even tore up her number she left me it was that frightening."

"If we could get back on track here," Anderson shook his head, Sin was a personal favorite of his truth be told. He was loyal to a fault but full of life and a happy go lucky part of him you couldn't help but admire, not to mention it is exactly what you would expect to hear how he heard about it too.

Sinara rolled her eyes, her Brother was certainly interesting at best, but that was part of what she loved about him too.

"So, you're thinking that maybe the first human Spectre might show up," Kaidan added.

"Exactly," Anderson agreed and then with a small smile added, "and I think that Kaidan should go with you, Sinara, and act like you're a couple out enjoying some social time. It might help make it look less suspicious. You know the whole young love enjoying the spotlight moment instead of new Spectre trying to track Saren."

Kaidan and Sinara looked at each other with shock and both felt their cheeks warm while Sin laughed until he had tears.

"So finish up checking on Virmire, then get back here asap and I should have more information for you and Sin can get you something classy to wear."


	5. Chapter 5

Virmire. They had no way of knowing what was to come, but even if they had known more, nothing, absolutely fucking nothing could have compared to what they faced. First, it had only been about getting to the Salarian team. However, it had come to their attention after getting to them that Saren had found a cure for the Genophage, which had led to some tense minutes between Sinara and Wrex, but thankfully the Krogan had been able to be reasoned with and agreed to Sinara's plans to see the base destroyed. Yet, as quickly as that was overcome, they faced infiltrating the base and learning more than any could ever believe was possible.

Sinara had had a bad feeling from the start things were going to be rough and somewhere in the back of her mind she was scared of what all they may find. She quickly assigned Ash to help the Salarian's, even though Kaidan had protested and instead kept him close to her. As they made there way deeper into the base, breached Saren's inner sanctum and spoke to what came to be known as an actual Reaper and not just Saren's ship, they found something that shattered everything both Sinara and Kaidan knew about human biotics.

Finding a small console in the room near the Prothean beacon, they accessed it hoping to find more on Sovereign and Saren's plans, instead, they found dossiers, Alliance folders on many biotic's including Sinara's, Sin's and Kaidan's. The files hinted at a DNA link only found in some strains of human biotic's whether related or not. In fact, Sin and Sinara seemed to be the only two mentioned as a family group. Knowing there was no time to go through them in detail, Sinara quickly copied all files and left, feeling even more dread then before.

Nothing, however, prepared her for what was to come. First, Kaidan had insisted on taking care of the nuke and arming it himself, even when she asked another to do so and him to go with her to get Ash. But, as they went to get her and the Geth sent in reinforcements, and she was forced to chose between the life of her friend and the life of the man she loved and choose she did. Heading back to Kaidan with tears already falling down her cheeks, she got there in time to find Saren waiting for her. Kaidan had collapsed next to the nuke after arming it and whether he was alive or not she didn't know. After a fierce fight with the former Spectre, he took her by the throat held her over the edge and said that he would kill her if it wasn't for the fact Sovereign wanted her alive. However, when the base alarms went off, he turned his head and Sinara headbutted the Turian with the force of a Krogan and when he staggered from it, she kicked off and broke his grip. Kaidan had made his way to her and the initial relief she felt faded when she saw the blood on his armor, which she then staggered into Kaidan's arms and passed out.

Kaidan picked her up and even with the intense pain in his side from the Geth rifle, he would hold his strength to carry her back to the Normandy no matter what. With Sinara safely in the medbay, Kaidan went to the comm room and called the council to let them know what they found. While it wasn't his place to file her report, he hoped they would understand why he felt the need to tell them immediately. Growing annoyed quickly, he reported what they found on Virmire and he made damn sure they knew it had been the Salarians plan to convert their ship core to a nuke and blow up the base. No way he would let those idiots hold her responsible for that. Shocked by their level of idiocy, he told them he needed to tend his own wounds and suddenly understood why so many of her conversations with the Council suddenly lost signal as Joker's vast amusement. The pilot had wasted no time in telling Kaidan all about her sudden disconnect's with the council after missions.

Heading to the medbay he passed Dr. Chakwas who told him Sinara was fine and just wanted a moment to herself, but he needed to see her and know she was OK. Walking into the room, he saw Sinara was awake but had her arms wrapped tightly around her and was shaking with tears. Seeing Kaidan, she ran to him and wrapped her arms around him holding him as close to her as possible. Kaidan relaxed into her hold and while the gun had torn through him enough to cause him severe pain, the medigel had made it bearable and he was content for the moment to hold her to him and nuzzle her head, enjoying the soft scent of jasmine and whatever else she mixed with it.  

"Kaidan," she whispered against his neck, "I was so worried, I was scared I lost you."

He could feel his heart pound in his ears when she slightly nuzzled his neck and he swore he could feel the slight brush of her lips against his pulse. Groaning, he pulled her as tight to him as possible and savored every second of the embrace. He would do anything for her and while the attraction he had felt was growing, he suddenly realized he was indeed in love with her. He had fallen in love with his best friend's little Sister, may God forgive him.

"It's going to be- no, I can't say it will be OK Sinara because I don't know," he pulled back and tucked a large strand of her silver hair back behind her ear and smiled, "but I promise I will be right here with you no matter what."

He watched as a brief smile graced her lips and tucked her head back under his chin. Right now that was enough, he realized, but one day they would have a chance to talk and he would tell her his inner feelings because today had made him realize one thing, If they didn't stop the Reapers and all of them died, he wanted the world to know that Sinara and only the great Sinara Shepard, hero of Elysium, first human Spectre, as well as his commanding officer that had stolen his heart and never would he love another.

Later that night, he was getting ready to sleep when Sinara had come to see him. She asked him if they could speak alone and he felt dread in his stomach and a lump in his throat as he croaked out a strained yes and followed her to her quarters. Worried he may of overstep himself early in the medbay, he readied an apology even before she spoke.

"Kaidan," she started and then frowned. What was she suppose to say?

"Sinara, it's OK, you know you can talk to me," he hoped to say such not only to relaxed her, but to get control on his own fears shaking through his body.

 "Kaidan, I know we spoke some about what happened on Virmire and with Ash," she began and he wondered now if she regretted not saving her instead of him, "I want you to know, I didn't pick you due to you being Sin's best friend or even how I feel about you," Kaidan felt his heart beat a bit faster, he wanted to know exactly what she did feel for him,"but you are a Lieutenant and the higher ranking officer. The reality is that while Ash may have been my friend, everyone here's friend, but grunts are replaceable, Lieutenant's not as easy."

He wasn't sure what he expected, he had assumed she had a logical explanation, as he figured Alliance brass would be asking too, but he couldn't help the small part of him that had hoped it had something to do with them, with her not willing to lose him.

"It's alright Ma'am, I understand completely," was it only him or did his voice sound as cold and curt as his words left his mouth? Saluting her, he told her if she didn't need him he would head to bed.

"Kaidan, wait, I-." he turned quickly hoping there was more to be said, more to why she saved him other than chain of command, "I have been trying to sleep and all I see is Ash, her dying there, alone no one-to-," she started sobbing against him as he quickly pulled her into his arms once more and yet again he couldn't help but feel how perfect it felt to hold her in his arms.

She looked up at him and he felt his heart lurch hard in his chest at the sight of those turquoise eyes, filled with tears starring at him, "Everyone expects me to be strong, I'm the Goddamn Hero of the Alliance and a friggin Spectre, but every time I close my eyes, I can't breathe and I open them to being alone, cold and dark and think of what she felt as she laid-."

"Sinara," he stopped her gently, "what if I stayed here while you slept, just so you're not alone."

He watched as she nodded her head and going to the small couch in her room, he sat down and cradled her to him as she pulled a light blanket over her. It didn't take long for her to fall asleep and slide down to his lap, so she could stretch out and then he saw her small smile. Slowly he drew his fingers through her hair, amazed that the scaring on her face turned one section of her coal black hair a silver white. The first time he had seen her after she was released from the hospital it had seen so strange but after these last few months serving together it had become one of his favorite parts about her, something strange and unique and as special as the woman who now wore it, "Sleep well Sinara, I will protect you," he whispered as he felt his own eyes blink with sleepiness and laying his head back against the couch, he drifted off to sleep as well.

                                                          

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I drew the picture, I wasn't sure where I was going to put it in the story or if I would just add it to the art post. I decided to add here and while I know Shep had no window in ME1, I drew it as such anyway. So I know it's not 100% accurate, I decided to leave it as is and use it here.  
> Also, I know Shep had no couch in her quarters either, but they were more than big enough to have one, so Sinara did some furniture shopping at the Citadel I guess ;)


	6. Chapter 6

Sinara had visibly become withdrawn since Virmire. Whether it was the weight of the enemy they now knew they were fighting or guilt she carried over Ash's death, no one was sure, but it was obvious that Virmire had shaken their Commander. After staying one night with her and while it had indeed been chaste, Kaidan had heard already the whispers on the lower deck about the two of them. He had tried to explain that she had only needed a friend and since he was her Brother's best friend she had turned to him, but it didn't help. He imagined she had heard them too since she had refused to talk to him much since. In fact, it was obvious she was completely avoiding him. The worst for Kaidan was that he knew she was drinking heavily at night thanks to the requisition officer who told him he would need to stock up on whiskey and wanted to know if Kaidan wanted him to look for some decent Candian beer.

Within a day they would be at the Citadel and whether she hated him for it or not, he intended to talk to Sin about this. Part of loving her he realized was doing what was best whether she liked it or not. Not to mention that even if they could never be together as a couple, he would love her forever and that still made him take on the responsibility to see her safely through this.

Earlier that day he had heard Shepard and Garrus got into a bit of an argument and had decided to handle it like Turians would, which meant they would be squaring off in hand to hand combat in the hanger. He wasn't surprised Turians handled arguments in such a fashion but was shocked she had agreed to do such. Heading to the elevator to go down, he had promised Joker he would make sure the fight was held where the ship cameras were so the pilot could watch it as well.

Garrus had once again asked if Sinara was sure and Kaidan arrived in time to see her tell him absolutely and was looking forward to adding kicking a Turian's arse to her lists of things she had tried. Kaidan found himself next to Wrex who was greatly enjoying this. He yelled out he would give Shepard a mound of credits if she won and stood up and put her boot on Garrus' head since apparently, a female warlord he admired had done so on many Turians she killed during the rebellions.

Sinara turned to see Kaidan had joined them and blushed slightly. She didn't want him to see her like this, to see the woman she now was. Virmire had been the final nail in the coffin so to speak. The stuff that had happened on the Einstein when she was a teen, everything with the Blitz and after, not saving Ash had finally broken her. She wasn't the hero of the Alliance anymore, she was someone who failed when it had counted the most. She also knew the truth when her eyes finally connected to his warm, rich brown and so expressive ones that while she filed a report stating what she had told Kaidan about why she had saved him and not Ash, the truth was the small part her that still lingered in her soul could not bear the idea of a world that didn't have Kaidan in it. He had become her weakness and that only made her less worthy of command in her eyes,

Watching her intently, Kaidan could feel the blush threatening her cheeks when she took off her hoodie and revealed she was wearing a baggy tank with some kind of wrap under it and extremely well-fitted leggings. When she crouched down into a fighter's stance, he was standing right behind her and realized, much to his horror, she was obviously wearing no underwear under the leggings and had to use every bit of control he had not to keep the groan deep in his throat from slipping past his lips for all around him to hear. He also realized that she was bent enough that if he grasped her hips and pulled her to him- good God, he chastised himself! She was his commanding officer, his friend and not someone to be lusted over like some seventeen-year-old kid who needed to get laid!

The worse was that for one brief moment, she looked over her shoulder at him and he saw a glimmer of the minx in her as she smiled and lifted one eyebrow. That smirk said all he needed to confirm she knew what kind of effect she was having on him and was enjoying it too. God help him, he thought once more. However, the spell was quickly broken when Garrus stepped up to the raised platform wearing only pants and boots. He heard her sharp hiss at the sight of him and for one moment he wondered if she was attracted to the brash hotheaded Turian. Feeling the rush of jealousy go through him, he reminded himself yet again that she was not 'his' and likely never would be, so if she was attracted to Garrus it shouldn't make him feel the anger he had boiling inside him, but then when did the heart ever think rationally?

During the brawl, it was obvious that while Garrus was much stronger than Kaidan had given him credit for, but, Sinara was all over the place as quick as a blink of the eye. He remembered Sin telling him that she was ranked in the top place in hand to hand during her N7 training and he could see why. Garrus had insane reach, but by the time he would have made contact, she was gone and delivering a punch behind him. He had to give the Turian credit, he tried, but in the end, Sinara caught him from behind and got him to the ground. When she pushed up, she quickly grinned and put her foot on his shoulder and called out to Wrex who gave a loud hoot and did as graceful as the old Krogan could manage bow.

"Come on Garrus," she smiled and held out her hand to him and helped him to his feet, "let's get a drink."

"Humph," the Turian grumbled, "Alright, but it's on you," he chuckled and took her hand, pulling himself back to his feet.

"You skin is going to give me some rashes," she remarked as looked at a couple places on her arms that had rubbed along the man's rough plating as they fought.

"Some women like a man who has rough hands," he laughed.

"Rough hands might be one thing," she smirked and gave a feisty swish of her hips as she walked by him, "but the sandpaper-like skin is not my idea of sexy."

"Uh, hmm, I don't really know how to respond to that."

Sinara laughed and told him to come on as she grabbed her hoodie and straightening up, her eyes locked onto Kaidan's and she slightly frowned. She saw him watching her intently and yet the night before when she had slept on his lap in her room he had tried nothing. God knows she had tried to entice him the best she could. Rubbing her body against him and even sliding down his chest until she was laying in his lap, yet nothing had changed, he still treated her as she was, his best friend's Kid Sister. He would never see her as an adult and one that wanted nothing more than to lose herself in honey colored eyes and warm kisses. Shaking her head to clear her thoughts she headed to the elevator with Garrus in tow as he pulled on his shirt. 

Kaidan had intended to follow her, but just then Tali was asking him about his omni tool and with a slight sigh he turned to her and answered all her questions. Tali was a sweet kid and normally he enjoyed talking to her too. They had much in common since he loved new tech and ships as well and that was one thing the little Quarian loved to talk about. He also found that no matter what his heart may be aching over, talking to Tali always made him smile. How could he not? She was like a kid on Christmas morning finding out that Santa had gotten her every wish on her list. Tali was certainly becoming one of her favorite people.

Finally getting away, Kaidan headed up to the crew deck and could hear Sinara and Garrus laughing and sounding rather drunk. He was surprised she would drink so much when not on shore leave, but they were en route for the Citadel, so she would have time to sleep it off, so to speak, before getting there. Walking around toward the mess, he stopped in his tracks at what he saw. There was Sinara sitting on the table with Garrus nuzzling her neck while she laughed uncontrollably. Kaidan felt his heart throbbing in his chest and anger burn inside him. So he was right, Sinara had a thing for the Turian. He tried to rationalize that Garrus wasn't part of the Alliance, so there were no worries about regulations, but it still made him want to scream. Angry at his own emotions, he turned around and went up to see Joker and hang out with him. He wanted to be as far from her as possible on the ship, while he tried desperately to forget the sight of the Turian's hand on her leg and his face buried against her skin.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: While this deals with Sin becoming aware of his Sisters problems, it also gives a better glimpse into their lives growing up, their Father's less than great Husband skills and some emotions of both men. I felt it was a needed chapter for what comes next and to explore Kaidan's and Sin friendship and sense of brotherhood.  
> I also wanted to show a bit more into Sinara's past and why Ernesto Zabaleta means so much to her as well.

They were already in Citadel space when the call came from Anderson that Avian Valerius had suddenly changed his social event. He had informed them that Sin was checking on it to see if it was a harmless delay or if it was a deliberate change to halt the Alliance and the Council to not infiltrate the event. Sinara had still chosen to dock at the Citadel and told everyone to stretch their legs as they prepared to head to Feros.

As was typical, Kaidan heard Sinara telling Joker she was heading to the VAO and if anything came up to contact her there, which meant he would have plenty of time to find Sin and talk to him. As he was leaving the ship he saw Garrus once more say something to Sinara and both laughed, leaving Kaidan feeling hurt once more and wondering if he was even doing the right thing. As he hailed a transport to Sin's apartment Kaidan found himself thinking about Garrus and Sinara and what Liara had told him after she and Sinara had argued. Liara openly admitted she didn't know much about human's and thinking about it now, he imagined Liara had picked up on that if Sinara had any love for him it was likely due to the fact that she thought of him as a Brother, which truthfully made sense. She had known of him since she was just a young kid and the fact Sin often said Kaidan was his Brother, especially after what they went through at BAaT, well, Liara in her naivety the human race just misunderstood her feelings. Kaidan wanted in his heart for Sinara to love him as much as he did her, but as time went on he realized it was foolish to even hope for such.

Arriving at Sin's apartment, he smiled when Sin opened the door and invited him in.

"Where's Sinara?" Sin paused and then answered himself, "probably at the VAO right?"

"Yeah, like always," Kaidan sat down as Sin sat opposite in his large sunken living room, "but I'm actually here for another reason Sin, I'm a bit worried about Sinara."

"Uh oh, what's up now?" Sin got up and grabbed a couple of beers out of his fridge and handing one to Kaidan he sat back down, "OK, give me the rundown."

"The mission on Virmire was bad, you know that, but since losing Ash, she just seems reckless, like she doesn't care what happens now. She starts fights, she friggin had a full contact match with the Turian, Garrus earlier today. Then after was making out with-," Kaidan paused and slightly blushed, " nevermind, just she seems like she doesn't care about anything right now."

"Wait, you were going to say she was making out with someone, who?"

"I, uh, after the match her and Garrus went for a drink and well, I saw him kissing her neck while she laughed," Kaidan felt terrible, this was not the conversation he wanted to have with Sin. Sinara should be the one telling her Brother about her new boyfriend, not him.

"A Turian? You must be mistaken Kaidan, I know for a fact she is not attracted to Turians at all. One of her missions during an N7 op she had to work with a Turian who was really into her and she told me the idea of being intimate with a Turian freaked her out. Had to be something else, Bro."

Kaidan stopped and thought for a moment about what he saw. Garrus had been running his mandible against her neck, one hand resting on her leg and Sinara laughing. Had he only leaned in to tell her something that made her laugh? Maybe a joke?

Sin watched Kaidan closely, he acted extremely interested in who Sinara might be involved with and it wasn't hard to see the relief that washed over his face when Sin told him he knew she didn't like Turians in that capacity, which could only mean, "Kaidan," Sin watched as Kaidan's attention was brought back to him before continuing, "Holy Shit, you're in love with Sinara!"

"I, uh, don't know what you mean, I mean yeah I care about her, she is your Sister and-."

"Bullshit, Kaidan, seriously, are you in love with her?"

"I," Kaidan paused and took a deep breath, Sin was his best friend and he had never lied to him once, he deserved that now too, praying it wouldn't change their friendship in the process, "yeah, I am," he admitted quietly.

"When the hell did that happen?" Sin couldn't believe it, how did he miss his best friend falling for his baby Sister?

"I dunno, I mean she was amazing that summer she stayed with you-."

"She was 16! Jesus Kaidan, you were 23!"

"I didn't say I fell in love with her then, God, she was just a kid for Christ sakes Sin, I just meant she was hard to ignore and then I saw her a couple of times after she finished N7 training and then the Normandy and now, shit."

"OK," Sin, tried to calm down and focus. Kaidan was in love with Sinara and if he stopped being angry for five seconds he could realize this wasn't a bad thing. Kadin was a good guy, he was honorable and if Sinara felt the same, well he wouldn't have to worry about Kaidan betraying her or cheating on like his own Father did to his Mother, "Shit Kaidan, if Sinara feels the same then, well you won't have any argument from me, but you damn sure better treat her like a goddamn queen boy."

"Wait, are you saying you don't mind?"

"Well yeah I mind, but I'd rather see her with you, someone who will always stand by her side and not some jackass like my Father." Sin got up and walked over to the bar and poured two shots of whiskey handing Kaidan one before sitting down again, "Here's to Brothers, that may one day actually be related," he chuckled and raised his glass to Kaidan's before sitting back down again.

"Thanks, and-," Kaidan suddenly remembered what else he was going to tell Sin, "Crap, I forgot the other thing I am worried over, Sinara is drinking a lot since Virmire."

"Really? Damn, Dad drank a lot, was mean as shit when he did too, I can't believe she would do that, she hates drinking more than a beer here and there."

"Well Danny, our requisition officer, says he is buying whiskey by the case now after we stopped over at Noveria, which was after leaving Virmire."

Sin sat back and picked up his beer again. He didn't want to believe Sinara was drinking like that. His Father had been a mean drunk and while his Mom never pressed charges, Sin saw as a child his Dad hit her more than once. By the time Sinara was born, it was arguments, screaming and damn near all-out war. Mom was having a horrible time trying to hide it from the Brass too and then came Lisa, his first Stepmother who his Father left his Mom for, but he never stopped harassing his Mom. Of course, Lisa only lasted two years before he found Jan and then finally Teresa, his current Stepmother. His Dad was everything no one wanted any family member they loved to marry, which brought him back to Kaidan and Sinara. Kaidan would never cheat, never beat her and always love her, something his own Mother never found.

Finally deciding that worrying wasn't going to solve anything and he couldn't do much where Sinara was concerned until he saw her again, he decided instead to kick back with Kaidan and have some good R&R. Sin grabbed a couple more of beers. Flipping on a game, they proceeded to talk about Kaidan's family, Vancouver and how much Sin missed living there and Sin's own work pretending to be C-sec. For a small moment in time, everything was good with the world and they just enjoyed laughing and arguing about which team should win.

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Sinara set in the small restaurant that was close to the VAO with Ernesto Zabaleta enjoying lunch. He was doing so much better now. He was clean and sober and she saw in him the glimmer of the man she had once known. He had become a Father figure for her since her Dad left and when he retired from active duty it had broken her heart, but nothing compared to finding him here on the Citadel in the shape he was. Thankfully, he had agreed to go to the VAO to seek help and she knew her Mother spoke to him almost daily on a comm link.

She knew the rumors that her Mother and he were more than friends and truthfully she had never cared if they were or not. Her Mother deserved to have love after her Father left and if this man had brought it to her then she had been happy for her. The only sadness she had was the fact that after Mindoir, he suffered from PTSD and ended up leaving the Alliance. Her Mother had been devastated by it, which proved her feelings went beyond that of friendship.

Sinara however, loved him the most for defending her when the incident had happened on the ship when she was 15. Another soldier had taken an unnatural liking to her and it had come to a head one night. He had forced himself on her and Ernesto had found them. Enraged, he had beat the man senseless and helped a frightened Sinara back to her Mother's quarters before alerting the action, which had landed him in hot water. He probably would have been kicked out of the Navy then, even if his actions were understandable since the man was a superior officer, but they had received an S.O.S. Mindior and everything changed.

The officer who assaulted her had led the team to the colony and died in it and Ernesto had come back changed beyond his ability to fight or forget. Now, however, he was seeking help and she was happy for that.

"So, anyone in your life yet?" Ernesto asked her, grinning at the blush that stained her cheeks, he laughed and added, "I guess that is a yes."

"Not quite, there is someone I like, but he, it just won't happen," she smiled and impishly added, "but it does still provide a nice view on missions."

"Dear God, Hannah all over again," he chortled and wiped the tears from his eyes, "That is exactly what she would say, kid. So why can't it be? Be warned if you start by saying your scars, I am going to smack you, not all men feel such you know."

"Sure, I imagine the Krogan on my team would like them," she winked, "but it's worse than that, he is Sin's best friend and I am his superior officer."

"Ah, family friends can be messy, but also wonderful and as far as the other, well kid your Mom held rank over me too. You would be surprised what the Alliance allows on ships. It's the one-night hookups they really get all pissy about, makes bad problems if they end badly, which most do. But you know how many serious long-term relations get started on ships? Hell, most of the marriages with both people in the Alliance start out as such. The Brass may say otherwise, but everyone knows the deal. Keep your fuck me buddies off the ship and your potential spouses close at hand until the wedding bells happen."

"Yeah, I think regs have changed a bit since then."

"Wait, did you just call me old? I know the hair is grey, but you're sporting white too kid."

"Fair enough," she smiled, "but you know mine isn't natural."

"Fine, tell me about this guy, why do you like him?"

"Kaidan? Where to start? He is funny, sweet, can be strong, but kind too, always there to lean on and so very handsome too! Oh and his eyes," she sighed, not seeing the smile on her companions face, "warm caramel that sometimes look like they have sparks of honey in them too and when he smiles, it not only reaches his eyes but the shine. He is so handsome."

"Oh kid, you got it bad, really bad. But I have seen this before you know." he said very quiet and looked away for a moment, before turning back, "I thought the same when I saw your Mother, she was the kindest woman I ever met, but those eyes, they looked right through me and well, never felt the same since."

"Ernesto, honestly, why didn't you and Mom ever stay together. Everyone knew the rumor about the two of you and you pretty much confirmed it just now, tell me the truth."

"All heck kid, your Mom was the only woman I ever loved, but I knew after that night, I was on a one-way ticket off the ship, and God knows I would have done it again given the chance, but after Mindior? Hell, she tried to help, tried to talk, tried to use love to support me too, but I just wasn't strong enough for her and finally had to walk away. She told me I broke her heart and lord, I'd do anything to change that, but truth is, Hannah deserved someone amazing, not some hotheaded guy with PTSD."

"Mom never dated again you know, she told me that once meeting a man like you, well, she just decided to focus on work instead, which mine you she is doing to this day," she confessed quietly to him and saw the pain in his eyes, "you know, it's not to late. I can't tell you what I am doing, but I will tell you this if it was the end of the world, wouldn't you like her to know you love her?"

She watched as the emotions rushed over his face and where once she saw the pain of his past, she swore she saw love just then and she could feel it, the empathic side of her biotics filled with his emotions and it made her heart swell knowing it was all directed at her Mother too.

"You know, kid, the same could be said for you. Look, I don't know who this kid is and if he is worthy of you, but take it from me, don't wait till you're as old as me, as messed up as me to tell him you love him, cause sometimes you don't get a second chance to say such again," he saw their waitress coming over with the bill and stopped Sinara from paying, "VAO got my benefits straighten out too, so dinner is on me, kid."

She walked him back to the VAO and was surprised when he stopped her and instead took her to the small flat across from it.

"I told you, got my benefits straighten out too, decided it was time to get my shit together." he smiled and winked and added, "Maybe I'll invite your Mom over if she gets to the Citadel eh?"

Laughing, Sinara hugged him and told him she needed to stop and see her Brother before going back to the Normandy.

"Take care kid and stay safe, you got a lot of people who care about you and remember what I said, find out if that boy likes you too and screw the regs, love doesn't happen often and the Alliance isn't worth a life of loneliness, believe me."


	8. Chapter 8

After speaking with the actual Reaper, Sovereign, on Virmire, Kaidan didn't think he could be shocked, however, Feros had thrown him for one hell of a loop. The Geth wasn't surprising, the corporate bullshit either, but the Thorian? Somehow ancient machines wanting to kill organics wasn't as crazy as ancient plants using organics and enslaving them. Good God, this universe was going way past weird into insanity fast!

But what really had Kaidan freaking out was after the Asari Shiala shared the Cipher with Shepard, Sinara collapsed. Kaidan had carried her back to the Normandy as fast as he could run and stopped for no one until he reached the medbay. While Tali got the crew up to date on what they found and what had happened, Kaidan stayed by Sinara's side. How many times, he asked himself, would he fail her before it would cost her everything? Holding her hand, he bowed his head and said a simple prayer.

"Kaidan," he raised his eyes and saw Dr. Chakwas standing beside him, "Get some rest, I can watch over-."

"No," he shook his head, "I'm not going anywhere."

Kaidan wasn't sure how long he sat waiting, how long he repeated his prayers, begging her to be OK before he felt her stir. Standing up quickly, he brushed her hair from her eyes and told her to take it easy.

Sinara blinked her eyes several times before she realized Kaidan was beside her holding her hand and cupping the side of her face with his other hand. She could feel his tracing her cheekbone with his thumb and couldn't help the slight blush that crept up her cheeks. He was so close to her and the look he was giving her made her heart flutter. Could he possibly feel something for her? Or was it what she feared, that he saw her only as his best friends little Sister?

When he tried to help her set up, she suddenly winced in pain and he yelled for Dr. Chawas, who was in back working with Liara on something. Suddenly, Sinara felt like she was spinning and fell against Kaidan chest and while she could feel him holding her and caressing her hair, she suddenly heard voices talking about where they were placing their beacons. She heard orders being given about the Reapers and she saw battles, the Reapers destroying whole planets in a matter of seconds. Crying out, she slumped against him once more.

The second time she woke up, she could hear someone praying. Someone begging God to let her live, saying that if a life needed to be taken, to take him but spare her.

"Kaidan," she whispered, wondering if it was his voice she heard.

"Sinara," he pulled her hand to his lips and kissed her knuckles, "I thought we lost you."

It was then she heard someone else ask if she was OK and felt Kaidan let go of her hand quickly.

"I don't know," she slowly sat up, "I mean I do know I am alright, but at the same time, I'm seeing things in my mind, hearing things no one near is saying."

"Commander," Liara stepped up and pushed Kaidan to the side, "I might be able to help. I think the Cipher is showing you memories of the Protheans and with the beacons, you're trying to figure it out, but you don't know enough about them to really make sense of it. Let me join my mind to yours once more and see if combining my knowledge with you, we can decipher it together."

'Do it," Sinara sat the rest of the way up and when Dr. Chakwas told Kaidan to leave with them, Sinara blurted out she wanted him to stay, "I, uh, mean someone should be here in case something happens, right?"

Dr. Chakwas simply smiled. If Sinara had been that worried, it would make far more sense for her to stay that the Lieutenant, but she kept her mouth shut. It was obvious to her that whatever feelings Kaidan was showing in his refusal to leave Shepard's side,  the Commander had similar. However, that was something to worry about at a later date, she decided and left the three to work out the Cipher. If Shepard was unable to stop Saren, well it really didn't matter if Kaidan and her were breaking regulations or not.

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Sinara had finished talking to the council and was beyond angry. They were truly the most idiotic people she had ever met. They refused to see reason and were completely blind to everything. Almost every time she spoke with them it ended in her getting annoyed and cutting the call off early. She was fighting to save all life from extinction and their petty bullshit was ridiculous. 

Shaking her head, she headed down to her cabin. She was still tired from what happened with the cipher and the link with both Asari's had taken its toll on her. She also had still been thinking about what Ernesto had told her too. After leaving him, she had gone to Sin's apartment and found him and Kaidan watching a game. It was obvious when she got there that both of them seem to be a bit uncomfortable and Kaidan had quickly excused himself and headed back to the ship. When she had asked what was up, Sin had simply told her it wasn't his place to say anything and she would have to talk to Kaidan about it.

She saw Kaidan reading something while sitting in the mess and while she gave him a smile, she decided to do some work in her cabin. She had already added a small couch and at that, she smiled at the memory of Kaidan letting her sleep on his lap as he kept the nightmares away. Sometimes she truly felt there was something there, something real, but then it would end and she went back to wondering if he could ever see her as more than Sin's baby Sister.

She pulled out the ladder she had brought up from the cargo hold out and leaned it against the cabin wall. She had 'heard' that how the rumor got around about Kaidan had spent the night in her cabin had been Joker who had contacted her during such and instead of using the intercom only, he had used video feed and caught them both sound sleep. He denied it but didn't know she reviewed the log herself. So she had decided to unhook the camera's in her cabin, chances were she would have nothing else to worry about, but she sure in the hell wasn't going to have it video tapped if she ever did.

Climbing up the ladder, she realized too late that she should have asked someone to help her, as she quickly got caught and knocked over the ladder. Praying Kaidan was still close by, she yelled to him since she had first disabled the comm system so no one could hear what was going on, hence there would be no evidence of her camera's suddenly 'breaking'. Sure someone could still call into it, but it was dead on her end. When she heard him come through the door, she expected him to worry, not burst out laughing at her up in the wires with only her legs hanging down into the cabin and the ladder on the floor.

"Ok, are you going to laugh or actually going to help?"

"Sorry Commander, it's just," he tried to stop, but of all the things he could have imagined, this was never one of the reasons to see the Hero of the Blitz asking for help.

"Yeah, yeah, I get it, now get over her Alenko and help me."

"Yes, Ma'am," he replied and set the ladder back up and held it why she untangled herself.

She thought she had freed herself, but when she turned around and moved to go down the step, she was still caught enough to pitch her forward and into him, causing them both to crash to the ground, with her perched on top of him. She wasn't even sure how long she laid there on top of him and later, she would never be able to say who moved first, all she knew was one minute they were laying there looking at each other and the next she was clinging to him as he rolled them over and kissed her.

He heard her moan into the kiss and the sounds she was making, feeling her arching up under him, well Kaidan wasn't sure if it was real or a dream. How many nights had he paced the ship, thinking of what it would be like to kiss her, just once? And now? Now he was and nothing could compare, nothing could ever stop the feeling of her teeth dragging over his lip, or the sound of her moaning when his lips left hers and nibbled along her jaw, but more than anything else, the feel of her arching against him and her soft body rubbing against his in an unvoiced plea for more.

"Sinara," he breathed against her ear, "beautiful, strong Sinara," and then he was kissing her once more. Until she pulled back and smiled, intended on speaking until her comm chimed in.

"Commander, the Council is asking us to return, looks like they are taking the Reaper threat seriously."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is short, trying to write 2 stories at once can be a pain, especially going back and forth between this Kaidan, all cute and sweet and a bad boy Kaidan who is all sexy and, well hell ALL Kaidan is sexy, but I digress. Next Chapter will be longer, promise :)


End file.
